Eros' Journal

I can't wait to go to college in Manhattan in the fall. I will hopefully meet a lot of really cool guys. Guys that I can be open about my bisexuality with. Even guys that I can be just friends with, although I really would love a boyfriend. Hell, I want a boyfriend right now, but if I have to wait, I will wait. I've been talking to a few closeted bisexual guys online lately, and it's really great having someone to talk to, someone who understands what it's like. Most of the time I feel so secluded and different from anyone else, and a lot of times it's like there is no outlet to express myself. My mom is the only one who knows that I really do consider myself bisexual, and that's because I told her. But she doesn't know that I would give anything for a male lover right now, and she doesn't know how bad I've actually fallen for a few guys. I know that no matter what I do, she will always love me unconditionally, and she told me that while she's afraid that my bisexuality might "turn me gay", she will still love me and accept me anyway. That's kind of comforting, but it doesn't solve my problems.

I used to be really afraid of "turning gay". One of the big reasons for me not just being open with people about being bisexual is because of the "gay label". And regardless of how I personally feel about the label, it does exist and it is something that I know I would have to deal with. I wouldn't be afraid of being beaten up or totally snubbed, but a lot of people I know would act different around me, and I just don't feel like dealing with that right now. Especially because I know a lot of people wouldn't understand that I do like both. I'm still a teenage guy who likes girls - I love flirting with hot girls and that "normal" stuff, but there is also a part of me that totally falls for other guys, on a completely different level than anything with girls. I would love to get married to a beautiful woman, and totally fall in love and have a family, and I can see that happening in my life. But that still doesn't stop the craving I have for what I call a male lover. And it seems really hard to find people who feel the same way. That being said, I'm not depressed, and I do feel much better since I've become more open about myself to myself over the past two years. I guess thats the biggest step in all of this life crap.

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