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| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008 | | 10:31 pm |
I'm so bored. And I still hate not having a boyfriend. Or even, no guys to flirt with. I've started talking to guys online again, mostly out of boredom. My obsession has been boys because they've been forbidden. Now I feel like a vampire, so thirsty for a man. Lol. Anyone wanna chat with me on Yahoo? My sn is jevichange. It's random, no meaning. | | Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 | | 11:32 pm |
 Beautiful. | | Saturday, February 16th, 2008 | | 12:35 pm |
Update
He walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be,
She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause...
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only thing that keeps me wishin' on a wishin' star,
He's the song in the car I keep singin', don't know why I do...Well, that just about sums it up :] And in a country song too. Go figure. | | Thursday, February 14th, 2008 | | 10:03 pm |
He looked at me today. We caught eyes. It was probably nothing, but it made my life. =] I want him so very badly, and I love it when stuff like this happens, it gives me hope that there might be a chance. I guess it could hurt very badly if there isn't a chance, and this is just something random. But at least it's something to hold on to. | | Thursday, January 31st, 2008 | | 9:11 pm |
My new "crush" is on Jensen Ackles from Supernatural. Both of the guys on that show are pretty hot, but Dean is the object of my affection these days.  | | Friday, January 4th, 2008 | | 11:24 pm |
Malchik
Well, there was another scene in the hallway today. Apparently, my wannabe lovers birthday was today. (Happy Birthday :D) He's legal now too I guess! But back to the scene... Those damn girls. He is mine. :( Eugh, I wish I could sing to him. Lol. "Handsome, tender, soft Why do you look right through me thinking "NO"? I can't deny my feelings growing strong I try to keep believing, dreaming on And everytime I see you, I crave more I wanna pull you closer, closer, closer, closer but You leave me feeling frozen" | | Wednesday, December 26th, 2007 | | 11:35 pm |
I can't wait to go to college in Manhattan in the fall. I will hopefully meet a lot of really cool guys. Guys that I can be open about my bisexuality with. Even guys that I can be just friends with, although I really would love a boyfriend. Hell, I want a boyfriend right now, but if I have to wait, I will wait. I've been talking to a few closeted bisexual guys online lately, and it's really great having someone to talk to, someone who understands what it's like. Most of the time I feel so secluded and different from anyone else, and a lot of times it's like there is no outlet to express myself. My mom is the only one who knows that I really do consider myself bisexual, and that's because I told her. But she doesn't know that I would give anything for a male lover right now, and she doesn't know how bad I've actually fallen for a few guys. I know that no matter what I do, she will always love me unconditionally, and she told me that while she's afraid that my bisexuality might "turn me gay", she will still love me and accept me anyway. That's kind of comforting, but it doesn't solve my problems. I used to be really afraid of "turning gay". One of the big reasons for me not just being open with people about being bisexual is because of the "gay label". And regardless of how I personally feel about the label, it does exist and it is something that I know I would have to deal with. I wouldn't be afraid of being beaten up or totally snubbed, but a lot of people I know would act different around me, and I just don't feel like dealing with that right now. Especially because I know a lot of people wouldn't understand that I do like both. I'm still a teenage guy who likes girls - I love flirting with hot girls and that "normal" stuff, but there is also a part of me that totally falls for other guys, on a completely different level than anything with girls. I would love to get married to a beautiful woman, and totally fall in love and have a family, and I can see that happening in my life. But that still doesn't stop the craving I have for what I call a male lover. And it seems really hard to find people who feel the same way. That being said, I'm not depressed, and I do feel much better since I've become more open about myself to myself over the past two years. I guess thats the biggest step in all of this life crap. | | Sunday, November 25th, 2007 | | 1:42 am |
I wish Joey was real. I would give anything, anything, for Joey to be real. | | Tuesday, November 6th, 2007 | | 10:25 pm |
Oh geeze. Nothing much has changed... I have reflected a lot on morals, and where I stand on a lot of issues. I've become very politally active. At least thoughtful. I called Hillary Clinton's office and told her aid that she should vote no on HR 1955. I've been thinking a lot about advocating my beliefs on war and human rights. Gay rights has never been a huge issue for me. I am against discrimination of course, and I've always known that it is very wrong to judge someone just because they're gay. I don't think sexual orientation should play a part in whether or not someone is eligable for a job, unless it is a position in an anti-gay group, or an organization that treats homo-bisexuality as a sin, like some Christian schools... This could be complicated. Personally, I don't have a problem with having a gay teacher work at a Christian school, but a lot of the parents would mind. Screw it all. -_- But I've recently begun to support same sex marriage and gay rights, for the most part. There is so much to say about the morality of homosexuality... I will probably rant about it sooner or later on my wordpress blog. | | Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 | | 10:09 pm |
The attraction was impossible to deny now. At first I had ignored this sinful dark desire, but as a fallen being I succumbed to the torture of my own reality. I ceased my secret and personal lies and rewrote my confession, and I became free. But I was not totally unchained. There must have been a bond between us, because he couldn't resist my invisible lures,my motionless clawing and screams in the dark while the world slept. Unlock my heart. My reasons and wishes and memories spill into the floor, and you devour every trace of scent and taste, eyes opening with knowledge and divine humanity. Purely through existence you have caused me enough suffering. When you grabbed my hand, you scarred my body forever. You with tantalizing eyes and lines of intoxicating and perpetual honey. It can't be a secret when we're impaled and run through, entwined and tossed onto the ground. But this isn't death, because gods can't die. And I will forever breath you and feel you pulling me down into your agonizing pleasure. Vast and beautiful. You gave me your hand and heart; we had no formalities and no seal, except for the infinite kisses and showers of love we made. I woke up today and could not seperatate myself from you. If only I could be absorbed completely, but our souls are already fused together with light. You have become an extension of my spirit, and in your rage I cringe and exhale loudly. Hurl me from Heaven and together we will walk and restore and create. When this world erupts, our memories will link and our love will burn on the ash of mortal life. Don't deny me. | | Sunday, October 21st, 2007 | | 8:09 pm |
It totally devastates me sometimes when I talk to my parents about their views on politics, especially same sex marriage and homosexuality in general. They don't know that I'm bisexual, even though I'm not necessarily hiding it from them. This whole thing confirms my belief that people need to understand homosexuality before they judge it, with or without the Bible. So the Bible says it's wrong. But why? My mom was talking to me about how "unnatural" it is, and an abomination and a sexual perversion. She likened it to pedophilia. This hurt me horribly! I then told her that the difference between pedophilia and homosexuality is that for the most part, pedophilia is just sex. Homosexuality is much more. When I am attracted to men, I am attracted to them in the same way that I am attracted to women - physically and romantically. I, right now, have a huge crush on another boy, and when I think about him, I don't think about stripping him down and having wild sex orgies with him. I think about how he will look at me, how we will laugh together, and all the long conversations we will have together, how he will touch my hand and all that romantic mushy stuff. That stuff is separated from sex. And if sex is the moral issue, than that doesn't make homosexuality a sin, does it? I've read some "evidence" of homosexuality in the Bible, mostly about Jonathan and David. I'm not convinced that they had a sexual relationship, but they certainly had a profound one. But I don't know if they had a deep friendship or a true romantic relationship. I can hear someone saying that "if you don't want to have sex with this boy, you just want a romantic relationship, why don't you just have a really really good friendship?". Well, because friendship love and romantic love are very different things. It's very had to explain my feelings, but this is nothing I asked for. I never asked to fall in love with another guy, I never wanted to be bi. It's just something, out of my control, that happened. And I don't know if I was born this way, or if it's something that just occurs because of my past or childhood. Regardless, it is something that I have to face and deal with every day of my life. I told my mom that homosexuals are generally not attracted to women on romantic or physical levels. So, if a guy falls in love with another guy, and they have a purely romantic non-sexual relationship, would that be a sin? She said that it would. What? So basically, if someone goes through their entire life only falling in love with members of the same sex, they are to be deprived of the entire experience of love, just because it is a cultural taboo? This doesn't seem fair. If I go through out my life, and I never fall in love with a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can never experience love with anybody, because my only crush is with another boy? She said that homosexuality is a result of sin. Well, regardless, it is still something we have to deal with. Isn't pain in childbirth a sin, according to the Bible? We don't associate childbirth with sin. I actually believe that love isn't based on gender, because true love is between the metaphysical, not the physical. I don't know if that makes sense, I hope it doesn't sound too "far out" or "new agey". But it's the only way I know to explain myself. I have to stop here. This upsets me a lot, because my sexuality is something I have to deal with every second of the day. And it hurts that people can't seem to understand what I'm going through. I'm not advocating same - sex marriage, that is an issue totally separate from what I have to go through now. I just don't understand why the whole concept of two men or two women loving each other is so taboo and strange and unnatural and disgusting to people... | | Saturday, October 13th, 2007 | | 11:08 pm |
prayer
God Is it a sin For me to pray for a boy Who will love me Who will write me a song Who will hold my hand and caress my face Who will kiss my mouth and stare into my eyes Who will tell me how beautiful I am Who will understand and cry with me Who will make me laugh and then wink at me Who will be content just to sit next to me With our arms around each other It doesn't seem wrong, it's an honest wish Am I allowed to pray for a boy to love me? | | Monday, October 8th, 2007 | | 7:54 pm |
| | 1:36 pm |
Poem
I found a beautiful poem online randomly today: Pour toi , Toi, quel bonheur de me retrouver dans tes bras , Je ne sais pas pourquoi mais quand je suis près de toi , La vie s'arrête , se fige tels une horloge dépareillé , Je te sens , je te respire , ton souffle dans mon cou qui t'est voué , C'est l'amour qui est venu nous prendre , Sans nous entendre et c'est à s'y méprendre , Car le goût de cette amour est parfumé , C'est le aprfun de tous nos baisés , C'est la vie qui t'a repris , tu as du payer le prix , Le prix pour avoir émerveiller mes nuits , ma vie , Cependant j'ai choisi de pousser un cri , D'offrir ma vie pour te rejoindre au paradis . Poem from this website | | Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007 | | 10:40 pm |
I saw a really hot guy at work today. He was about a head taller than I am, tanned lightly, clean shaven and nice hair, lean, white teeth and beautifully sculpted lips. I don't think many guys are that attractive. Well, not in an actual attraction way. I can look at a guy and think he is nice looking, or even beautiful, but generally I don't have even minor "crushes" on them. This guy... Hehhehheh. Anyway. | | Sunday, September 23rd, 2007 | | 4:21 pm |
I've decided to write a novel. I'm not going to describe it explicitly here, but It's going to be amazing. If it ever gets published, I hope it will be put on a banned book list. Lmao. I will publish it under a fake name of course. Wish me luck. | | Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 | | 9:30 pm |
kiss me
School has started. A few weeks ago. I have been so busy. But not too busy to notice the same boy I had a major crush on last year! Geeze! Since this is my "sexuality" blog, I am going to rant about this in here. Problems? Get out. Here is the story from the beginning... I "fell in love" with him last fall, when we had a class together. I've known this kid since middle school, but I had never had feelings for him before. Me having a huge crush on him is actually the reason I've let myself acknowledge that I'm bisexual. I had been attracted to guys before, but it had been purely physical, I was never interested in anything romantic with any of them. And then Him. Everything about him that I noticed aroused me, not just his amazing killer body. He is confident, well spoken, very intelligent, funny, star athlete and there is something about him that attracts people. He is the first guy I've ever really had a crush on, and he is basically the only boy I've ever had a romantic crush on. So I fell hard. I struggled with my feelings and emotions, because for the longest time, I would not admit to myself that I liked boys too, because I didn't want to become gay. I finally accepted the fact that I like both, and liking boys doesn't make me gay. ANYWAY... I'm back in school, and I have a few classes with him. This crush never really went away. I realize that I am more in love with my fantasy "him", not the realistic "him". But that doesn't matter. He has become almost an obsession. Not that I'm going to go stalk him, but I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything when he is within peeking distance. And it's driving me crazy sometimes, because I'm not openly bi (for various reasons), and as far as I know, and as far as everyone else is concerned, he is straight. And how would I find out if he wasn't? Even if he was bicurious, he wouldn't know I was interested. This sucks. | | Saturday, September 8th, 2007 | | 9:08 pm |
I have 2 (two) classes with my crush. It's crazy. How can everything he do, everything he says, be so sexy?? It's horrible. It's a good thing I don't sit behind him, or I would never pay attention. I would just be staring at the back of his head, his back... Damn. I've only had two boy-crushes in my life, but when I fall, I fall hard. | | Saturday, September 1st, 2007 | | 5:46 pm |
Sinful Sex
I found this website, and I read the article. I did try to read it with an open mind, because I know that if I'm ever going to learn something, it's probably not going to happen if I'm criticizing every word written. But there were a few quotes that caught my attention, and I had to respond... "Gender, race and impairment all relate to what a person is, whereas homosexuality relates to what a person does." (Lansdown, A., The 'Rights' of Homosexuals, Life News, p. 1, February 1995)I've never had sex with a guy. But I am very much attracted to men, I have a strong desire to have a romantic relationship. I feel both romantic and sexual desires for other men. It's not my fault, at least not consciously. But even if there is some emotional or psychological reason for this, it's nothing that I have consciously chosen to feel. I DO NOT have sex with men right now. So for me, being bisexual is not something I DO. It is what I am. It is what I feel, every single day. It sometimes effects everything I do, too. I wont buy a certain shirt, because it looks too metrosexualish, and I don't want anybody to say it's gay. It kills me inside sometimes. For me, bisexuality is, or at least seems natural. I say that it seems natural, not because I'm convinced that it's not, but because I'm not sure. There are things that have happened to me - not bad or traumatic things, just things that occurred growing up - that I can say possibly might be why I long to have a strong loving man be in love with me. I don't plan on ever having a one night stand with anybody, much less another guy. I never want to be promiscuous or a slut. My sexual frustrations aren't so uncontrollable that I'm going to go out and blow every hot guy who will let me (Although popular gay culture might give me justification). And even if I never sleep with a boy, I will still be left with the attraction, and it's not something that I can turn on and off at will. ♣ "The final report of the Baptist Union of Western Australia (BUWA) Task Force on Human Sexuality states 'that a person becomes a homosexual ultimately by choosing to be involved in same-sex activity..." If Steven has never been romantically, physically or sexually attracted to women, but always to men, yet he chooses not to have a relationship, romantic or sexual, is he still a homosexual? If he is choosing to remain celibate because he thinks its a sin? He wouldn't really be asexual, because he still has sexual desires, like most average human beings. I label myself as bisexual because I am attracted to both, almost equally. But I don't currently/activly sleep with both, so what does that mean I am? Maybe more thoughts later, it's so late... | | Thursday, August 30th, 2007 | | 12:12 am |
Beautiful People
People are so beautiful. I partially blame my bisexuality on the fact that I have a weakness and desire for everything beautiful. Even before I knew what sex was, I can remember looking at people, both men and woman, and admiring their appearances. I was probably in first grade, and there was this one high school boy I thought was very beautiful. I was not in love with him, didn't have a crush on him, want to sleep with him, etc, as I was only 6, but I always thought he was beautiful, or as I would probably say today, "hot". There was a girl at the church my parents went to when I was 6 that I thought was drop dead gorgeous. I probably had my first "puppy love" crush on her. Sort of on this topic... I found this guy, Kaden, randomly, and he has to be the hottest guy I have ever seen just from his photographs. Yes. I am possibly in love. I drooled over his myspace pictures for a long time... He has to be enough to make even the straightest guy just a little curious. I could stare at him for hours. I'm getting a little obsessive, haha. And here is another picture I found in the community ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) photo_boys of another very beautiful guy. |
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